Is There Shame in Being Gay?
- Kris J. Simpson
- 48 minutes ago
- 15 min read
To Accept or Reject Homosexuality
And then it happened. It had been reaching its boiling point for hours, and the pressure could no longer be contained. It was a scream I’ll never forget, and I’m sure it echoed for miles. It wasn’t a scream of terror; rather, it was a distinctly sad and eerie howl from the depths of my aching soul. It came so suddenly and with such vibrating force that it startled me as much as it did my wife at the time, who was sitting next to me in the passenger seat. My knuckles turned white from gripping the steering wheel as tightly as I could in an attempt to stop what had already begun. It was a cry of pain from loss, filled with confusion, anger, and helplessness.
I lost my friend to suicide — and I didn’t see it coming. I received subtle warnings, but I chose to ignore them.
My friend, Ray “The Wolf,” as I nicknamed him, had been my training partner for the past five years before he passed away. He was one of my first personal-training clients, but our professional relationship grew into a friendship built on our shared passion, or what most might see as an obsession, with bodybuilding.
Ray was quite different from many of my other friends; in fact, many of them used to mock him. They had a very hard time understanding him and why he was my training partner. I ignored their teasing at my friend because they didn’t understand the dynamics of our relationship, which was based on something that was at that time the core of our lives — bodybuilding.
One thing they seemed to be sure of was that Ray was gay. I chose to ignore this part of my friend’s life because it didn’t concern me and wasn’t relevant to our relationship. Although I didn’t feel the need to confirm his sexual preferences, I also couldn’t deny that he was gay or bisexual.
He kept me from knowing his sexual orientation because we never talked about it, and maybe that made it easier for me to ignore all the accusations from my friends, hoping it would confirm the label they had already assigned to him. Our relationship started and always ended in the gym, so I didn’t know much about his personal life. He had a relationship with another man and his family, and I couldn’t deny that it had the same characteristics as most intimate relationships. But he kept that part of his life very secretive, and I had never met who he called his friend.
In the gym, Ray was a lone wolf — until he met me. We joined forces to pack on as many pounds of muscle as we could, as he helped me prepare for some of my earlier bodybuilding shows. As a competitive bodybuilder, I was extremely focused and intense, but I had met my match with Ray. He had these ice-cold blue eyes that would pierce you with fierce intensity, especially whenever he would pick up a barbell. He was very analytical, which I appreciated, as he was always tracking our progress and having me beat my own personal records time and time again. He would push me to the point of nausea, and I think he enjoyed that. After each set, he would refer to his stats book, make some notes, and then sneak an extra five pounds onto the bar, which he always thought I didn’t notice — but I always did.
He had a special way of motivating me, which I remember fondly today. As I was getting under the squat bar and preparing to resist the over four hundred pounds that seemed eager to overpower me, he would quote the Star Wars character Yoda and say things like “Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.” I would find “the force” when I thought I didn’t have it, and sure enough, I would rise from the depths of a heavy squat and set a new personal record.
When Ray was at the gym, he was in his element, unaware of the strange looks many people directed at him; he felt at home, doing what he loved and helping me, who had become his little but growing larger protégé.
But the gym wasn’t his only focus; in the early hours before dawn, he was delivering newspapers. I’m not sure he loved his job as much as he loved the gym, but it paid the bills and he enjoyed the physicality of it. He had been delivering papers since he was a schoolboy, and that’s all he ever knew. After a few years of knowing Ray, an opportunity arose, one that allowed him to do the same thing but to make more money. A global newspaper company was expanding and would soon start distributing in our city. He talked to me excitedly about the opportunity, which would let him earn considerably more but also involved its share of risks. First, he would have to leave the company he had been with for at least twenty years, and, moreover, he would have to take on much more financial responsibility, now needing to hire employees and buy a truck.
By then, I had started my own fitness club, so we were both very stressed and extremely busy. He had been missing workouts for the past couple of weeks, which frustrated me, and I wasn’t showing much compassion for the troubles he was facing. The new job was overwhelming him, and he was drowning in debt and facing the loss of everything. I was well aware of this, as he would tell me the latest bad news, which I didn’t want to hear because I had my own problems.
Then one day, I was supposed to meet him for our workout. He didn’t show up, but the gym receptionist handed me a letter he’d left for me.
“Kris, sorry I couldn’t be here for you today, things have gotten really bad, I’m not sure what’s going to happen next, sorry again” — Ray
After reading the note, I abruptly crumpled it into my pocket, wearing a face of disgust and frustration. I felt little empathy for people at that point in my life, perhaps a result of self-idolization and the selfishness that accompanies it. As quickly as I read his letter, I wrote him off from that day’s workout and any future workouts. I was done.
Later that same week, I was getting ready to go to a friend’s cottage and was preparing the car for the trip when I received a phone call. It was Ray’s friend. He told me quite abruptly, amid uncontrollable sobs, that Ray was dead. He had found him in his apartment after an overdose of potassium chloride.
Potassium is a mineral essential for muscle contractions; the heart is a muscle, and when our potassium levels are too high, our muscles cannot contract. Essentially, the heart stops contracting, and we die. Potassium chloride is a drug used to prevent or treat low blood potassium levels (hypokalemia). It is also the drug that causes death in an execution under current lethal injection protocols — a three-drug combination of midazolam, rocuronium, and potassium chloride. Although the other two drugs are given in lethal doses and would eventually cause death, potassium chloride is expected to induce cardiac arrest and death within a minute of injection.
I felt remarkably stoic the morning of his funeral as I waited for my father, who also knew Ray. When we arrived and approached the funeral home door, I suddenly stopped. It felt like my shoes were glued to the pavement on that hot summer day. I couldn’t move, seeing my father looking back at me, and then I broke down — the horror of seeing my friend’s body and knowing it would force me out of any denial of guilt I was suppressing.
My father placed his hand on my shoulder and tilted his head slightly, giving me a look that showed he understood. Then he said, “you know what you have to do — don’t you.” As I wiped away the tears from my face, I nodded in acknowledgment — yes, I knew what I had to do. I had to pay my last respects to a friend I now deeply missed, felt guilty for abandoning, and who also made me angry.
I only had one question, as many that are left with when someone close to them takes their own life…Why?
What had drained all hope and faith from this man, causing him to commit an act that goes against the basic instinct of human survival? And, why was he living in a way that contradicts nature — as explained by natural selection and observable in the natural world — by engaging in same-sex sexual relations?
A mentor of mine once quoted Rick Warren, author and American Evangelical pastor, who said, “You’re only as sick as your secrets,” and I always suspected Ray was ashamed of his homosexuality, hiding it from me and others. So, I wondered, how much shame did he feel about being gay? My intuition is that he was ashamed of who he thought he should be rather than who he actually was, which left him spiritually ill and susceptible to suicidal ideation.
Of course, the reasons for suicide or suicide ideation are multifactorial and cannot be reduced to one cause, but it has been well studied that gay and bisexual men have much higher suicide rates compared to heterosexual men, and internalized homophobia, “the internalization of societal anti-gay attitudes, leading to self-directed stigma, shame, and negative self-perception.”
In the studies I sourced, the suicide rate is at least twice as high for gay and lesbian groups, with bisexual men often showing the greatest risk in many studies (sometimes more than three times higher than heterosexual men), and internalized homophobia was frequently identified as a factor contributing to increased suicidal ideation.
These findings underscore that suicidality in this population is largely driven by societal factors rather than inherent traits, highlighting the need for interventions targeting shame reduction, and, particularly in this discussion, a society that doesn’t shame those for being gay.
In an effort to progress humanity and address earlier generations’ ethical errors, which often involved harsh judgments and disciplinary measures toward those who differed from the norm, many societies have liberalized attitudes towards sex and morality over recent decades. This shift to lessen the shame associated with sexual expression began with the sexual revolution of the 1960s and has been further influenced by the LGBTQ+ movement.
What I have observed in recent years is propaganda masquerading as virtuous inclusion; the media in Western societies seem to over-promote LGBTQ+ issues. Some feel these issues are being forced upon citizens and their children. It is hard not to acknowledge this observation: where I live, most schools fly the Pride flag for the entire month of June, a flag that excludes many of the students.
I’ve also seen a top-down approach, where politicians use it as a tool to win the so-called virtue vote — leveraging voters’ empathy for marginalized groups to contrast with other politicians who seem unempathetic toward minority groups. Consumerism has also seen an opportunity to exploit the LGBTQ+ movement and generate profit from it, with Canadian banks and retail giants like Walmart promoting a range of Pride-branded items.
This has faced some resistance from those who previously accepted same-sex relations, considering it acceptable as long as it involves consenting adults, with the familiar saying that what happens in the bedroom is their business. However, many now feel these views are being imposed upon them.
This pattern of push and pull has appeared throughout history as society strives to become more humane: those on the political right clinging to the past, and those on the liberal left unwilling to wait for change tomorrow when it should happen today. It is unfortunate that progress often involves struggle, but it seems to be a natural part of our reality, and fortunately, we have made strides in this area, as messy as it has been.
So why is there shame associated with being gay?
Discussions of this kind were uncommon (or unacceptable) until biologist Alfred Kinsey published his book and research in “Sexual Behaviour in the Human Male”.
Based on thousands of exhaustive, confidential interviews with churchgoers, college students, prison inmates and more, Kinsey reported, for example, that 92% of men had masturbated and half of married men had had extramarital affairs. A full 37% of men said they had had some form of homosexual experience at some point in their lives.
“His №1 contribution was simply recognizing that sexual behavior is diverse and that people do very different things … that there was a marvelous and very substantial diversity of sexual behavior in all segments of the population,” says Dean Hamer, author and molecular biologist at the National Institutes of Health, who has studied sexuality and genetics.
Kinsey also reported that 10% of the men he interviewed said they engaged in predominantly homosexual activity between the ages of 16 and 55. “That changed the thinking about homosexuality,” says Dr. Jack Drescher, a New York psychoanalyst. “If it was more common than people thought it to be, then perhaps it was what we would call a normal variation of sexuality rather than a form of mental illness.”
“Being lauded as the father of sex research may seem an odd fate for a man with Kinsey’s start in life. He was born in 1894 in Hoboken, N.J.; his father was an engineer and a Sunday school preacher who spoke out passionately against the sins of masturbation.” Says Rosie Mestel from the New York Times.
Kinsey wasn’t the only one puzzled by same-sex sexual attraction; other biologists introduced the term “The Darwinian paradox of homosexuality or the gay gene paradox,” which states: If homosexuality isn’t aligned with the goal of natural selection — to favour genes suited for reproduction — then why does homosexuality persist at stable rates across cultures and throughout history, with around 2–5% of men showing predominant or exclusive same-sex attraction? This prompts the question: Why hasn’t natural selection eliminated these genes from the population if they don’t boost reproductive success?
The strongest current evidence to solve this paradox is called the “Sexual Antagonistic Selection” theory: Genes that reduce male reproductive success when in men increase it when in women (e.g., female relatives of gay men have more children), in effect, genetic markers associated with same-sex behavior are also associated with more opposite-sex partners and higher fertility in heterosexual carriers — as a result, nature has cancelled out any negative effect that would result from same-sex behaviour.
Nature never fails to amaze me in its fundamental drive to exist.
To clarify, there is no strong evidence for a “gay-gene” as sexual orientation results from a complex interaction — biology (including genetics) creates predispositions, but environment, development, and chance also play significant roles. This matches broader views in behavioural genetics that most complex human traits (such as personality or intelligence) are similarly polygenic and non-deterministic.
Another interesting point about same-sex attraction is that it isn’t limited to our species; it can be observed throughout the animal kingdom, from insects to reptiles and mammals, with over 1,500 species currently studied in detail.
Some highlights of this observed behaviour include dolphins demonstrating traits linked to human intelligence, such as problem-solving and self-awareness. They also engage in homosexual behaviour. Both males and females exhibit same-sex sexual activity, including oral actions where one dolphin stimulates the other with its snout.
For dolphins, homosexual activity occurs at a similar frequency to heterosexual interactions.
Bonobos, who share 98.7% of their DNA with us, are known for seeking sexual pleasure with the same sex. If you have ever watched a Bonobo nature documentary, you already know they don’t hold back when displaying affection and distaste towards each other. The treetop shelters can easily be mistaken for a hedonism resort, as they seem completely uninhibited, frequently copulating, including with the same sex. They do so for pleasure, but also to bond, climb the social ladder, and reduce tension. About two-thirds of homosexual activities occur among females, though males also engage in this behaviour. Females often use genital rubbing to relieve tension and build alliances.
And then there are the kings of the savannah — lions. Two to four male lions often form a coalition, where they work together to court female lions. They depend on each other to fend off other coalitions. To ensure loyalty, male lions strengthen their bonds by mounting each other.
Lastly, rams, another symbol of masculinity in the animal kingdom, about 10% of males exhibit an exclusive homosexual orientation (the only species besides humans known to have a significant proportion of individuals with an exclusive same-sex preference)
So, if same-sex attraction and sexual behaviour are common in nature, and sex isn’t just for reproduction but also for social bonding, why would some consider it shameful?
Sex is one of the most fundamental human instincts. Once we have food, clothes, and shelter, we start craving social connection and sex. Often, many of our goals, even unrelated ones, are indirectly influenced by our drive for sex, sometimes without us even realizing it. Take the man who makes a big sacrifice to increase his wealth and status; upon closer look, his real motivation is to attract a mate. And it’s not just human males who are driven to show off status and competence to attract a mate; this is seen in many animal species, like the bowerbird and the pufferfish.
Because sex and companionship form the foundation of our drives and are thus central to our thoughts — both consciously and unconsciously — they inevitably come under scrutiny and judgment, often accompanied by widely opposing views.
Some individuals strictly regulate it, establishing rigid guidelines that followers must adhere to in order to justify sex. There is ample evidence of this ideology in many religions, including Abrahamic faiths (Islam, Christianity, Judaism), which commonly prohibit premarital sex, adultery, and homosexual acts.
Others believe sex should have very few restrictions.
For example, Michel Foucault, the French philosopher known for his work on power, knowledge, and sexuality (e.g., in The History of Sexuality series), expressed views on pedophilia that were controversial and tied to his broader critique of how societies regulate sex through discourse, law, and psychiatry.
Gay and bisexual men may also face shame due to perceptions of promiscuity, which, according to data from various studies, shows that they have many more lifetime sexual partners compared to heterosexual men.
For example, in comparisons of men aged 35–39, median lifetime partners were approximately 67 for men who have sex with men versus around 10–12 for heterosexual men in some older cohorts.
I expressed my sentiments about shame associated with sex in an article entitled “Why can we feel Post-Sex Shame and Disgust — Understanding the Biology and Morality of Sex” stating:
I’m not denying the desire for sex and increasing sexual encounters with more and more people. There is undeniable evidence of this in our psychology and biology. However, paradoxically, we weren’t designed for a hedonistic life focused on immediate, short-term gratification.
As humans, we have much greater potential, and if it isn’t acknowledged, we will undoubtedly feel shame and disgust towards ourselves and project that onto others who had the unfortunate experience of a fleeting sexual encounter with us.
Living a self-serving life isn’t something we can find long-term satisfaction in, derive meaning from, or, in my case, feel proud to discuss with my mother.
One advocates for sex only when certain conditions are met, and if you don’t conform, shame will be upon you, while another promotes shameless sex, endorsing promiscuity, sexual freedom, and self-indulgence.
As you can see, not everyone agrees on the how, when and what type of sex is acceptable.
Since I would argue that we give sex, including companionship, more attention than any other aspect of our lives, we tend to be preoccupied with it and very judgmental about it as a whole society. We try to shape it into something orderly, something we can understand and control.
This could explain why some people consider homosexuality immoral, often feeling disgusted just by discussing the issue. For individuals with higher levels of trait conscientiousness, according to the Big Five Personality model (OCEAN), homosexuality might appear disorderly and trigger feelings of revulsion.
Interestingly, Emotivism in metaethics suggests that moral judgments are not factual statements but expressions of a person’s feelings. Emotivism, inspired by George Berkeley, who in 1710 wrote that language often serves to evoke feelings as well as convey ideas.
Begging the question, is homosexuality truly immoral, or is it just an opposed feeling that those who reject it have?
Like many experiences we have as a highly conscious species, we try to eliminate our primitive desires in favour of ideologies that give us a false sense of control. We forget that these biologically strong forces within us still exist and will always be hard to fully understand and regulate.
Perhaps one way to understand sex is by examining other species: two things can be true at the same time: sex is both essential for reproduction and equally vital for the survival of social species; it also helps to strengthen social bonds and reduce stress within social groups.
If sex is regarded as a natural human drive that is also highly respected and not to be taken lightly — ensuring that your needs do not infringe on others — and viewed as an agreement between two adults that does not compromise each other’s sovereignty, an agreement founded on truth rather than manipulation or lies, then perhaps this is where the line can be drawn between immoral and moral sex.
Point: It’s biological and socially normal for some to experience feelings of sexual attraction and love towards the same sex. This may be expressed through sexual behaviour, and if it is, firstly, it’s rooted in our biology, as paradoxical as that is, and secondly, we have misunderstood that the need for sex isn’t purely sexual and only for the purpose of reproduction. It’s much deeper than that.
Through gene expression, environment, or free will, these individuals have chosen to form bonds with the same sex. Case in point: Sex and companionship can be expressed in many ways, and some may seem to fall outside societal norms at certain points in history.
Understanding that, regardless of how it is expressed — assuming it is consensual and not harmful — we are witnessing normal human behaviour driven by our need to express love, reduce stress, develop closeness, foster a sense of belonging and most importantly, to help us overcome our greatest insecurity — the fear of being alone.
In loving memory of Ray “The Wolf” — I hope you have found Peace.
Comments